The Primal Wound

Pretty much everyone I have met has suggested that The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier is the definitive source of insight for adopted people who are trying to figure out why they feel something isn’t right with themselves. Having read it myself I have to agree.

First Published in Maryland in 1993, the book has has spawned a theory, articles (such as this helpful one by Dr. Marcy Axness) as well as much debate and discussion. As with most provocative standpoints, primal wound theory has attracted its share of detractors as well as advocates. I stand completely as an advocate; the day I read the book things all just started to make sense on a physical and emotional level and it lead to a sense of internal calm that comes with self-validation. I had found my voice through Nancy’s writing. Her subtitle, Understanding the adopted child, although aimed I think at adoptive parents, felt like it was put on the cover specifically for me.

It’s drawn from the American experience of adoption, but I found enough similarities with my own experience, and others I knew, for that not to be an issue. The author is a mother to two children, one adopted. Her motivation comes from the love of her own daughter and a desire to help make sense of her suffering. She found stories from many adopted people around the United States to generate her content. She said in the introduction that the main purpose of the book was to normalise the feelings, attitudes and behaviours of adoptees. Speaking personally, that’s exactly what she did and I will always be grateful to her for that.

The book itself is broken into four parts; the wound, manifestations, healing, conclusions. Each part is broken down further into chapters and each chapter has several headings. Although it is the result of a research study, It is written in an easy-to-read way with powerful but simple language. It’s a book you can pick up and read from anywhere, although personally I found it hard to put down and ended up reading it like a page-turner of a novel in a couple of sittings. At 180 pages it is not particularly long, but almost every page has something of significance to say.

There is so much I could quote from but I think it best you find the material that resonates for you personally. I will include this from chapter 2 (page 17) as it summarises the author’s belief and sets the tone for everything that follows:

“It is my belief that the severing of that connection between the adopted child and her birth mother causes a primal or narcissistic wound, which affects the adoptee’s sense of Self and often manifests in a sense of loss, basic mistrust, anxiety and depression, emotional and/or behavioural problems, and difficulties in relationships with significant others. I further believe that the awareness, whether conscious or unconscious, that the original separation was the result of a '‘choice’ made by the mother affects the adoptee’s self-esteem and self-worth”.