In Appreciation Of The Primal Wound

About ten years ago my coach at the time (the wonderful Wil Pennycook) tentatively offered me the idea that I have an unhealed wound deep within me. I accepted the suggestion and our work moved on, but it has only been since reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier that the significance of that tentative idea became apparent to me.

The thing about being adopted at birth is that if it does cause a wound, a primal wound, there is no way of knowing. So people like me, who were adopted young and have had some issues to deal with, cling on to the idea that we were wounded. At the same time, others simply shrug at the lack of empirical data, or in some cases get actively cross and accuse us of making it up. We’re all so invested in the idea that adoption is a story of love and gratitude that the idea of a primal wound does not compute. How can we possibly be wounded if we were brought up in a normal house and not in care, in an orphanage or on the streets? So I am always on the hunt for ‘evidence’ of the primal wound or at least some validation. And in a 2006 article by Marcy Axness I have found something very helpful (at least to me).

On one level it’s a stripped down version of Verrier’s original book. This is helpful in and of itself if you are interested in the idea of a primal wound but have no interest in reading a 200 page book.

However what I particularly liked was what impact that book had on Marcy herself . Her reaction was so like mine that I found I was getting re-validated by her validation:- “…I felt a relief down to my bones that someone finally knew me, saw me…”

I also liked that the article acknowledges that too much self-analysis by adoptees can render them as victims, while stressing (in my words) it’s not possible to simply stop doing that. Adoptees need to find a way to acknowledge the unconscious burden they are carrying in order to be able to lighten it, let alone remove it. Personally I feel like I’ve had 52 years carrying the burden and only five of lightness and believe me I can tell there’s a difference - I’ve described it as facing my fear. Marcy’s article, like Verrier’s book, helps with that process.